juzy (juzy) wrote,

Как Джа растамана испытывал

Rastaman folk tales: How Jah put a rastaman to ordeals

It is good, when a dude is calm and positive. His life is easy, all people are friendly towards him and even Jah Himself loves him and sends phat weed to him. But this is how it works now - it used to be almost opposite.

Quite in the past, when the world was quite young and even Jah was young Himself, He was making fun of this world like of a brand new toy. He pressed all buttons, tried all options and changed all settings ten times a day. He played with people all ways: actively interfered in their lives, spoke with every of them personally and didn't get tired to explain the same ten times a day. He slowed down nervous sheeples, ridiculed boring nerds, put down smartasses, and all evil jerks received from Him An Oecumenical Fillip. On the other hand, Jah loved and respected calm and positive people but still didn't leave them alone.

He ORDEALED them. In other words, He intentionally put them into all kind of big troubles to test the strength of their calmness and positiveness. Why did He do so? He probably didn't even know it Himself. When one martyr asked Him: "O Lord, wherefore dost Thou?" - Jah didn't answer him anything specific but just showed him Behemoth and Leviathan. And the dude became enlightened that Jah is impossibly cool. He didn't understand anything else but decided not to ask twice.

So, at that time an unreally calm and unshakably positive dude named i-Van the Rastaman lived in Ethiopia. He was so smooth, he was so slack -- he never hustled, never bustled -- he wasn't uneasy, was not busy -- he was too smart to try too hard -- he smoked weeds and did no deeds. He even never bought, grown or bummed weed - people brought it to him because they loved and respected him thinking him to be a really wise man - almost a saint.

People came to i-Van every evening treating him with a precious smoke and waiting what he will say. He didn't say much and his words almost always were the same. After having a smoke, he was smiling and saying: "GOOD ONE..." Even if ganja sucked big time, he still was saying: "Good one..." because the grass of wisdom shouldn't be cursed, no matter how weak it is. If the ganja was really good, after some time i-Van was saying: "WOW!" In fact, he said: "Wow!" most of the time because thenadays almost all ganja was really good. And, if it was just excellent, i-Van was doing couple of more puffs, saying: "JAH IS GREAT! JAH IS ALIVE! THANK JAH!" At this time, all guests understood, saw and felt that Jah is great and alive and He presents in every atom of this world filling it with warmth and light. The quiet happiness covered them up and they told: "THANK JAH!"

Jah looked at this grace and rejoiced Himself. He didn't make up His mind to put i-Van to ordeals in order to won't regret it later. When He finally decided so, He selected an easy ordeal for this guy, a piece of cake one.

So, one morning i-Van went to a washroom. In fact, instead of washroom he had a small wooden outhouse on the backyard. When he left the outhouse he saw that instead of his house there is just a flat area covered with small pieces of coal, slowly burning down! Jah was watching from the skies how i-Van would react to this disaster.

Well, i-Van shook and scratched his head and climbed the tree. He took his stash from the tree's hollow, filled his pipe, lighted it up from one of the burning pieces of coal, sat under the tree smiled and told: "Good one..." Then, after some time he told: "Wow!" After that, he lay on the lawn and lost himself in contemplation of the skies, saying: "Jah is great! Jah is alive! Thank Jah!" In the evening, people came to him, bringing a mattress and a blanket, lots of grub and almost four ounces of ganja. Everybody invited him to stay in their home but i-Van didn't come. Because people so much stoned him up he couldn't even walk.

Jah looked at all these celebrations and thought: "You have a good weed, i-Van. Very good one. That's why you are so calm and positive: smoke up - and you won't care that your house is burned down. But what would you say if you'll sober up just for a half of hour?"

So Jah turned all i-Van's weed into hay. Next morning, i-Van waked up, washed himself, munched some grub, rolled a joint, smoked it up - and said: "Good one..." But it didn't sound confident, almost like a question and even without a smile. But i-Van sniffed his dreadlock, smiled and told: "Wow!" And, in the evening people came to him and brought some good weed. He puffed up with them and told, as usually: "Jah is great! Jah is alive! Thank Jah!" - and fell asleep under the tree.

And Jah realized that this rastaman will never get sober. His body will be clean of all those cannabinoids only few years after the death. Especially considering the fact that with such good friends he will never be out of good weed and will always be calm and positive.

When Jah realized all these things He became glad for i-Van's sake - but only from one point of view. From another point of view, Jah thought: "Okay then, dude... I'll find you a really trying ordeal - so you will tremble even being stoned!"

Then, Jah told to His angels: "Now then! Fly to Pharaoh and tell him that i-Van the Rastaman has a good weed!" But angels became outraged: "O Lord, why are asking us to become snitches?" They refused to fly to Pharaoh and started to ask the Lord to smoke, relax and leave i-Van alone.

Well, Jah smoked with them, relaxed and so on. But He didn't leave i-Van alone and didn't give up his intentions. Of course, he didn't openly snitch on the rastaman but gave Pharaoh a prophetic dream with a delicate hint.

And Pharaoh dreamed about kine: fatfleshed and and leanfleshed. Leanfleshed kine came up out of the river wanting to munch fatfleshed ones. And, behold, there came a strange man: with hairs of wicker, yellow teeth, red eyes and very wide smile. He started to play on his pipe so all kine started to smile and dance - leanfleshed and fatfleshed altogether. The strange man smiled and told: "Jah is great! Jah is alive! Thank Jah!"

Pharaoh immediately realized that this is not just a dream but a prophecy. He gathered all his wise men to explain it. Wise men said: "It's simple! The man you saw is i-Van the Rastaman from Ethiopia and the magic pipe in his hands means he got some good weed.

Pharaoh was incredibly avid for other people's weed. No matter him already got three full gunnysacks of his own one, he still set forward to Ethiopia. He came to rastaman's place with a gang of his soldiers.

i-Van didn't become scared or bothered - he just smiled and took his stash from the tree's hollow. Pharaoh grabbed it, rolled a huge papyrus joint, sucked it up in three puffs and - felt nothing. Because it was the very weed Jah turned into hay.

Pharaoh pulled a face and spitted in disgust then said: "What a crap! It doesn't hit even a bit - just sores the throat!" i-Van answered: "Good one..." And smiled, as usually...

After that, Pharaon exploded in anger: "What are you grinning at, sunuvabitch?!!! You think it's funny, you shaggy muthafucka?!!! Take him, boys!!!"

So soldiers took i-Van. At this time, Jah was - well, I won't say that He was careless - He was to busy at work. Either a supernova exploded or the spacetime continuum distorted all in wrong space at wrong time - but the important thing is: He was too busy with another serious problem. So, when Jah solved this problem and remembered about i-Van, the poor guy was already impaled on a stake, after being flayed and broken on the wheel. He still smiled, though - but didn't say anything because he was already at death's door.

Jah realized that He faulted ungodly - destroyed a good spot, spoiled a good weed, did a good man to death for no reason at all. What an Almighty! What a Merciful!

So Jah became angry and descended from heaven and issued to all Pharaoh's army An Oecumenical Fillip. And drove all this gang by fifty feet into the earth, and cast Pharaoh alive into the lake of fire. This was his second death, total and definitive. And Jah restored i-Van's house with all its furnishings and stuff, and Jah turned the hay into weed, and Jah repaired i-Van and put him into sound sleep, and put i-Van into his house - then Jah returned back to heaven. This job took Him just fifteen minutes - y'know, he's Almighty, after all...

i-Van the Rastaman woke up and didn't feel a thing - like nothing happened at all. He munched, smoked, loitered around the house, sat, laid, and played on guitar... In the evening, people came to him, bringing lots of weed and lots of grub, wondering that he's okay and his house is intact, like the fire never ever happened. Only i-Van wasn't surprised and didn't comment on all those miracles. He just puffed alot and said: "Jah is great! Jah is alive! Thank Jah!"

Then, Jah visited them Himself. Nobody saw Him but everybody felt such a powerful all-embracing vibration when the light become brighter, sounds become 3-D - it's feels kinda scary but at the same time easy and happy, like flying in a dream. People hushed and frozen but i-Van smiled and said: "Hello, Jah!"

And Jah told him: "Thank i-Van! You passed all My ordeals - such trying ones that even I may not pass Myself! But you retained your calmness, didn't lose your positiveness and your smile didn't wane even for a second! And I, the Creator of Heaven and Earth, promise you that from now on you will forever live in My paradise and never get a trouble again!"

i-Van said: "Cool, Jah! It is funny to forever live in a paradise, oh boy. I live there already for a long time and enjoy it every day. But the fact I am so calm and positive - it is only thanks to You. You take care of me, pampering me with king's bounties and do not let evil bastards to get me. I didn't have any trying ordeals in my whole life - this is the paradise, after all, so it can't have any of them."

Jah said: "Stop bullshitting me, i-Van! What do you mean by "ordeals didn't happen"? I just did to you by Myself! I burned down your house, turned your weed into a hay, then sent Pharaoh and his soldiers to get you - ain't those are not ordeals to you?"

i-Van said: "Sorry, Jah, but I hardly believe in that. You are good and fair, and I really doubt you would do that shit to me. Look at my house - it's not burned down, it's good as it always was. Look at my backyard - where Pharaoh and his soldiers? Playing hide and seek, eh? But the backyard is tiny - where they can hide? Now about the hay - well, it may look like a truth. Sometimes when smoking a great weed, it feels like it turned into hay - no kick at all, only coughing. So what? Its okay - after a couple of days of teetotaling it works as it supposed to do. In my opinion, it's not an ordeal at all - just a small misunderstanding."

Jah asked him: "Well, how about a stake in the asshole? Is it also a small misunderstanding, in your opinion?"

i-Van said: "No-no-no. A stake in the asshole is probably a big trouble. Is something like that ever happened to me - I would probably die. But why You started to talk about that?"

Jah said: "Oh i-Van, how you disappointed me! I thought that you are unconquerably just - but you just a stoned moron! You smoked yourself to anabiosis and live like under narcosis, not feeling any sufferings, not remembering any ordeals, parroting all the time: jahisgreat-jahisalive-thankjah... How I can put you to the paradise? Why you need eternal life if you are hiding from the life under a hemp tree?"

i-Van answered: "Jah, but what I can do, if You are great indeed and alive indeed, and the hemp kicks indeed? The only thing I can ever do is to live in the paradise and praise You. This IS the only real life and I am not hiding from it at all. Unlike sitting on a stake - this is not a life at all: it's painful, harmful for health, looks indecent and there is no point to do that. Even I, a stoned moron, understand that - but You, the Omnisapient and the Omniscient, should understand it even more so."

Jah just about to tell the rastaman: "You are wrong, i-Van - there is a great purport in sufferings!" But, after a second thought, He understood that He won't be able to explain this purport to i-Van and even to Himself. So, since this time, He stopped to put calm and positive people into ordeals. Since then, they live easy and trouble-free. Jah is sending them His bounties and helps them in a trouble. He just doesn't give them an eternal life - but they obviously do not really need it.

Source: http://rastaman.tales.ru/?page=3&menu1=1&menu2=5&smenu1=4&inctext=21

Original Russian text: (c) HighDuke
English translation: (c) juzy
Tags: rastaman folk tales, растаманские народные сказки

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