juzy (juzy) wrote,

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Rastaman folk tales: About psychonauts

There were once three psychonauts who lost in heaven. They looked around and saw the God. He stands in front of them and asks: "What are you heading for, valiants?" The first psychonaut answered: "To the heavenly California." The God told him: "Go behind the corner, take the bus two-o-two and take off at the second stop. It will be heavenly Netherlands at the bus stop then the heavenly Switzerland then, behind the kindergarten, the heavenly California is."

The second psychonaut said: "I am going to nineteen-seventy-two." The God asked: "Why you need to go to the year of nineteen-seventy-two?" The psychonaut answered: "I was born there and I want to come back." The God told: "Go two blocks straight, there is a big hole in spatiotemporal continuity. Dive there then you will see how it works - and decide where to exit."

The third psychonaut said: "I don't know my exact destination; I'm just looking for a very scary place." The God smiled and told him: "Well, dude, you've already found it. I gonna make you your total scary right here right now!" Saying that, he unscrews psychonaut's head then unscrews his own and swaps them. The psychonaut immediately saw himself in God's clothes in front of him and started to feel like he's a God but not exactly the God at the same time. And he told to himself by the God's lips: "Look, dude, there are seven windows in front of you. Each one has its own fear in it. Open a window and a fear will jump out. If you will be able to manage it - it will jump back, if you won't - bad for you!"

But the psychonaut is not exactly a psychonaut anymore: he has only the head of psychonaut, but everything else is the Divine one - well, let's call him a psychonaut for now, because the head is more important. So, the psychonaut answered to God: "Why I should open them one by one?" And he opened all seven windows at once. Cops jumped out of the first window. Rabid dogs - out of the second. Terrible gangsters - out of the third. AIDS and the Black Plague - out of the fourth. And, out of the fifth one -

- or fourth one? Well, let's count again: one - cops, two - dogs, three - gangsters, four - AIDS, five - jonesing, six - overdosing, seven - bunch of gay fagets. All this weird things fell on the brave psychonaut and in a minute torn his arms and legs as well as his head and turned all this things together with his body into a huge stinky pile of shit. Then, they scattered around all heaven, yelling wildly.

Well. Our psychonaut looked on this situation with God's eyes and felt a horrible fear for the first time. Now he became a God and there is no way back - he has to take over all the Universe and work and work and work on it until the end of the world which could never ever fucking happens. That's how the God yoinked him and, in fact, meanly ripped him off. But, from another point of view, he asked for a trouble himself when looking for a fear. And finally he found one.

While he's standing like that, a ballistic missile flied to him. And behind her, an evil smoked dry sausage flied and asked him threateningly: "Is it you the God?" The psychonaut asked her: "Why you need to know?" The sausage answered: "Because there is a total mess on the Earth, people are eating us, sausages, and you, the mean God, are looking on it and making fun. So, I decided to anally punish you for that." The missile said: "Indeed, sister! Then I will fubar him to four hundred eighteen pieces to make him cease to exist."

The psychonaut caught the evil sausage and quickly bit away her head. Then, he told to the missile: "You want me to do the same with you, you measly snot?" The missile began to tremble: "No, I don't want it! It was a sausage's idea, I didn't want it at all, I was flying to a totally different place..." The psychonaut told her: "It doesn't matter where you intended to fly. Now I command you to fly to... No, wait, you won't fly anywhere but take me for a drive."

So he mounted the missile and rode on her, inspecting his very own Universe. The Universe is totally run-down because the fears ran away from the windows, shitted on everything around and even ate five psychonauts. The psychonaut flied to angels and said: "Goddamn! There is a total mess all way around and you are slacking here doing nada!" The angels told him: "Sir, yes, sir! Let's smoke first then do all the stuff." And each of them rolled a good joint for himself, and, of course, they made one for the psychonaut as well.

Oh yeah. In five minutes nobody's already doing anything being unable even to say a word: the heavenly bud is good as God! Then, the fears came and tried to frighten them. But angels and God are laughing out loud of those fears and making fun of the fuck out of them until they fucked them out so much that the fears are retiring to their windows locking them up tightly. Of course, there is a lot of their shit left splattered around - but the angels found a solution. They turned over all heavenly carpeting and all this shit simply fell down. The people of Earth started to gather this crap and to enjoy it very much. They are telling: "It is manna from heaven!" Oh, really, indeed - manna from heaven is the shit of heaven inhabitants. Like our own shit fertilizes the soil, the shit of heavenly inhabitants fertilizes us. This way we are living and prospering and there is nothing to shame about it.

Source: http://rastaman.tales.ru/?page=3&menu1=1&menu2=3&smenu1=2&inctext=5

Original Russian text: (c) HighDuke
English translation: (c) juzy
Tags: rastaman folk tales, растаманские народные сказки

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