There was a Satanist. True Satanist. He didn't believe in any god, only in His Satanic Majesty. Black leather-clad in the summer and in the winter, wearing upturned cross on his neck, 666 on his nape, and Satanist pentagram on his chest. At home, he had a black altar with real horned skull, upturned crucifix and a lot of other those satanic thingamajigs. All his life he dreamed to make a bloody sacrifice to Satan. Preferably a seven-years-old baby, or at least a kitty, or a puppy, or a pigeon... But it was just wet dreams - because in real life he was unable to kill even a cockroach. Sometimes, after stumbling on it accidentally, he didn't sleep for several nights, stricken by the conscience. What kind of bloody sacrifice he could make being so poor in spirit?
Other evil Satanists were always making fun and bullying him. Of course, he could lie that he wastes ten babies a week as some kind of Aleister Crowley. But he not only didn't have an experience in making things up - he was totally unable to lie and always told the truth. That's why he didn't visit Satanist parties and spent most time at home reading black books, listening death metal, watching horror movies and sometimes even porn. He watched porn with his wife. His wife was funny - black-clad goth beast, skinny, boobless and pesky... but he loved her very much. And he never cheated on her. He knew that Satan approves adultery; his wife didn't mind against it, he didn't mind against it himself but... it never happened. He simply didn't have any time for it because of work, family, household chores and so on.
He worked in sales. He was a salaried salesman. All his managers respected him. They told: "This guy maybe a freak but an honest one." Salesmen often steal from their companies, especially the salaried ones, but this guy didn't know how to steal and never tried. So he lived only on his salary, and considered it a good one. Actually, his salary indeed became quite good over the time. In fact, everything was good in his life, and he thanked his Satan for it every day. Exactly like that: he stands on one knee before the black altar, bows his head and tells: "Thank you, Lord Satan, for my daily bread and forgive me if I did something wrong."
One day, the Satanist died and came to the paradise. Not because he was so righteous - the paradise is not a reward and the hell is not punishment. When you die, there are zillions of roads open in front of you. You fly where you want and finally arrive where you belong. But the Satanist was a conscious guy and believed that after death all Satanists must go to hell. So he ignored all zillion of roads opened to him, and flied where he the least wanted to be. He decided to fly to the most unpleasant place for him. And finally he arrived to the paradise and started to suffer excruciating torments.
He didn't find any Satan out there. No devils, no cauldrons, no chains, no hooks and no other hellish strap-ons. But he was waiting that they will appear at any moment and suffered from that waiting. Other paradise inhabitants told him: "It is the paradise, stupid!" He pretended that he agrees, but thought: "How stupid they are themselves!" But even these proud thoughts did not make him happy, because he was even unable to gloat. He was suffering for himself and for those poor souls who don't know their destiny. And he didn't tell them anything because, first, he was too shy, and, second, they won't even believe him if he would.
In meantime, the paradise inhabitants complained of the Satanist to the God. "O Lord, please save him. We are worrying - why he is so gloomy and somber?" The God heard their prayers and came to save the Satanist.
When he came, the Satanist told him: "I do not believe in you. I believe only in Satan and I don't need your snotty salvation! I was born for eternal night..." - and he started to declaim such a bombastic bullshit that even the God himself wasn't able to stand it and withdrawn, covering his mouth with a palm to hold a loud laugh.
The God came home and dressed up as the Satan. When he came - the Satanist believed in him outright. He fell on his knees, trembling - either from fear or from excitement. And told: "Hail to you, my Master! Bring me to the infernal sorrows!"
The God made up a satanic face and answered with satanic words: "Fuck to you - not infernal sorrows! Who are you to demand sufferings - sinner? villain? lawyer? You are lived all your life as a fucking lamb - never stole even a bag of chips, never slapped your biatch, never cut a tree, never set fire to a house, never molested a child! To torture you is like to fuck a shit - even devils would disdain it. You are torturing yourself - but it is too fancy for you as well! You, worthless soul, must be condemned to eternal happiness so you won't be ever able to suffer again - this is the punishment I invented for you. Enjoy it, you douchebag, and don't you even dare to suffer again!"
The God became so enraged that he even for a moment became to feel himself a Satan, like in Stanislavski's system. But he collected himself on time and retired majestically, bursting with a hellfire ultimately.
After that, the Satanist became particularly happy and positive, like some kind of Hare Krishna guy. Of course, somewhere deep inside he was unhappy because of this unrestrained happiness to which he's doomed until the end of the universe - but, in total, he was more happy than unhappy because he could not be not happy, he could not disobey the Satan's orders! When a man is happy it is good for him - no matter what. And, if he's even unhappy because of something good it is still better than being unhappy because of something bad. Finally, even the stubborn Satanist realized that - and resigned himself to his compulsory happiness.
Okay, well then. Now let's talk about something else. I mean, about the Godist. How he lived, how he died and what happened with him.
Of course, the Godist believed in God. It doesn't really matter to which one - the important thing is he believed not in Satan. He observed his commandments, regularly prayed to his God and asked the God to forgive all his sins. And, let's say the truth - he was sinful as we all are. We humans are weak and that's why we sin. The Godist was also a sick man therefore he was just unable to do not commit sins.
Since he was a child, he was sick with kleptomania and this disorder is incurable. It was told to him: "Thou shalt no steal!" - but he was stealing, he simply couldn't not to steal. And the people didn't understand that this is a disability - in fact, they didn't even care, they pitied their stuff. But they didn't have any pity for the Godist - they kicked his butt, showed him the door and bullied him. At home, he confessed his sins to the God - he was grown up very pious, an Honoured Godist in fourth generation! The God was forgiving him because the God is gracious. Unlike people.
Sometimes, childhood diseases go away with the age. But Godist's kleptomania didn't disappear. In fact, when he came to the age, he obtained one more illness. It is called satyriasis. No, it's not about satire, it's more about a restless cock, pardon my French. The Godist never used such satanic words. He used women, sometimes men, very seldom - children, but no goats, lambs and so on - for the God's sake, it's a mortal sin! Of course, any debauchery is a sin, but what a man could do with his disability? Only pray for forgiveness - and the God will forgive, of course, if he prays Him the right way.
Needless to say, the life is really hard for such a disabled person living amongst healthy people. Those healthy people are so arrogant, intolerant to disabled and prone to physical violence. But the God was always saving the Godist because he believed in God and prayed every day: "O Lord, forgive me! O Lord, help me!" The God kinda loved him and leaded him in his life. To deliver the Godist from tormenting by mean people, the God made him a Holy Inquisitor. And the Godist started to... of course, not to torment, but simply and honestly burn people at the stake - to deliver God's justice in this sinful world.
Does this Godist look ancient? Indeed, he was ancient and I truly hope that there are no such Godists anymore. He died long time ago and went to the hell. Not because he was sinful: the hell is not punishment and the paradise is not a reward. Simply saying, when you die, there are zillions holes open in front of you and you move where you want. And, finally, you arrive where you belong. The Godist believed that he must be in paradise - and unstoppably strived to the light, where an angelic music plays and divine fragrance smells. But because of his bad taste he came where disco balls blink, pop music thunders and it smells pussy. Into the hell, oh yeah.
Some of you would think this IS a paradise. The Godist thought it as well: not just thought but truly believed. He thanked the Lord and started to settle in this magnificent paradise.
He met his deceased friends, found new contacts and was introduced to celebrities. Every day, he was so amazed: how many unworthy souls there are in the paradise, vicious and unbelieving, which are clearly do not belong here! The hell inhabitants didn't tell him where he fallen into. Many of them didn't understand it themselves - and ones who understood was keeping mum and making fun of the naive noob quietly.
In meantime, the Godist developed the following theory: the God in his endless mercy sometimes allows unworthy souls to the paradise - and we, worthy ones, should become a neighbourhood watch! Our goal is to do not let sinners consider this place a paradise but make it a real hell for them! So they spit blood and cleanse their souls by suffering!
From now on, the blood began to flow from all hell's wash-basins and total suffering increased by, like, four hundred percents. Because there is one feature in the hell: all desires of everybody come true here. No matter what thou wished to thy neighbour - yoink! here it is. Of course, nobody desires any sick shit - quite the contrary, everybody thinks: "I gonna wish something r-r-really good right now!" But, at the end all the wishes come true and everybody is in a deep shit - and most of the shit comes from the people who wish only good to others.
So, many of hell inhabitants suffered from the Godist. They started to search who is guilty but the Godist exposed himself. On one of hell's forums, he created a thread about his theory and was pwned and banned ASAP. But he respawned immediately, because in the hell nobody dies forever - just being reformatted according what he wants from this life.
The Godist became a rabid dog. But he took a totally wrong lesson from it. He got better nose, faster legs, different view of the world - and he decided that he's a Revenge Angel now, he can see the true essence of being and his life goal - is to put the sinners on right track. When he realized that he started to run around the hell, jump and bark on people and bite them - but somebody wished him a dog's death immediately, and it was the end of his career as an angel. In his next reincarnation he wasn't able to run anymore. Because he became a tree.
More exactly, he became a bush - not even a bush but a shrub of some unknown but very thorny specie. And he understood it as a next promotion - now he is like a pillar on which the vault of paradise rests. And his goal now is to grow and grow - to expand the paradise extensively.
So, he started to grow - not so much upwards as in breadth. He spread out as the Berlin Wall, giving no peace to everybody in the hell. He pestered everybody so much that the once all hell inhabitants gathered to volunteer for a spring cleaning, uprooted the Godist and burned him without any remainder. And the Godist became a Lady Slippers Infusoria.
Of course, he understood it his own way. He decided that he became a God! And he created his very own world inside himself with own hell and paradise, own Satanists and Godists and whole lot of stuff. At first, he also wanted to create a particularly heavenly world, but finally he built neither fish nor flesh - but still thought that his world it the most right one. And all Godists of this world believed in him as in God, and for Satanists he created their very special Satan so he won't have to dress up as a Satan himself. He settled up in hell much better than this Satanist in the paradise - or didn't he? I dunno... Really, what's better: to become the God or to attain the eternal happiness? Or to combine both these goals and finally build such a Universe where everybody's happy and nobody's bored? Well, this question is so complicated a philosophical - and I am already out of weed... and sobering up...
Original Russian text: (c) HighDuke
English translation: (c) juzy