(for the punk Nixon from Khovrino)
Nixon, you are asking me do I have a tale about a sausage. Of course, I do have a tale about a sausage. But it is not a folk tale, I specially invented it myself so it will be a tale about a sausage. Listen:
"So, there is such a sausage. Such a brand-name, pimped out, smoked dry sausage, so tight it can't be broken even against a knee. She's lying in a showcase and enjoying herself very-very much because she's so cool, expensive and elitist. She thinks: "Some cultured people will come soon. They will buy me, bring me home and hang to the wall and I will decorate their residence."
One fine day her dream came true. An elegantly dressed lady comes to the deli and chooses exactly this very sausage. The sausage sits in the bag, proudly sticking her head out, and looking down upon the mere world: take off your fucking hats, I'm coming home. Then she's seeing such a picture in front of her: there are kind of wieners or something like that on the sidewalk - yukky colored, irregular shaped, crumbly built, and they are smelling so low-quality that her highly developed aesthetic sense is gravely offended by this view.
The sausage tells them: "Poor things! Why you degraded so much and are not looking after yourself at all? Nobody will buy us like that because your look, frankly speaking, is so unhealthy. You should enrol into a shaping class, do some bodybuilding, find good garments, take some MSG - and gradually you'll get normal, marketable look. This "kinda wieners" are answering: "Nothing can help us now, sister. We also used to be sausages - probably, even better ones than you, but a foul outrage was committed upon us - we were eaten up then shitted out. And now we are lying here in sorry condition and just dying quietly." The sausage asks: "But what did you do to deserve such a punishment?" The "kinda wieners" answering: "This is our sausage destiny, sister. You won't even properly enjoy finding a home - you will be eaten up then shitted out. You too, sister, will be eaten soon, so enjoy yourself while you are alive and don't mock at ones who are already lying at a sidewalk."
The sausage is asking: "But who will eat me?" They answered: "The lady who carrying you in a bag will eat you. She bought you in order to eat or to put you at the mercy of somebody else. You, sis, simply don't know the life, and it is harsh and unjust to our sausage race."
The sausage became outraged: "Sheesh! They are eating us and we are keeping silence? No, this trick won't work with me! I will fuck them all straight away, starting from this very lady!" Suddenly, she jumped out of the bag and started to fuck the lady extremely cruelly: jumping into the asshole then jumping out of the mouth then back to the asshole! At the fifteenth time the lady didn't endure this torture, fell beside the "kinda wieners" and started just to die quietly. And the sausage flied away, fucking all people she met - of course, not for a sexual gratification but for a demonstrative punishment of all the humankind which offended her.
Nobody is left on the streets very soon: people hid in their homes and battened down all hatches waiting until the rabid sausage calm down. But the sausage still flying and flying, searching whom else to fuck. Suddenly she sees a guy sitting with crossed legs so his ass is totally protected. She thinks: "What a smart asshole! Nice try, pal: you won't sit like that forever. You will stand up sometimes - then I'll fuck your brains out. So she buzzed around him. But the guy still sits and sits. One day. Two day. Three days. Four. Five. Six days passed - but he still fucking sits! Finally the sausage lost her temper and asked: "Dude, why are you always sitting and sitting? Get up, stand up, for God's sake, take a stroll - or all your life will pass like that and you won't see anything in the world." The guy answered: "What a good thing could I ever see in this world? How people are eating sausages - or how the sausage is fucking people? I think both of these things ain't worth watching."
The sausage tells: "Wow! You are a sage, probably?" The guy answers: "Yes. I am a sage." The sausage tells: "Then tell me, the wise man, why such an escobar season happens in the world that people are eating us, beautiful and proud creatures, and transform us into a shit?" The sage answers: "They are eating not only sausages but everybody they can catch." The sausage asks: "So they are that evil, ain't they?" The sage answers: "It is not because they are evil but because they need to eat somebody all the time, otherwise they'll just die." The sausage reflected upon it and asked: "Tell me, the wise man, why it is so? Why we can't live a normal life so nobody will eat anybody?" The sage answers: "It's because the God created the world this way, and now he's looking from the heaven and enjoying everybody eating everybody."
All of a sudden, the sausage was stricken by the enlightenment: "That's who's guilty in everything! I gonna fly to the sky and fuck the God himself to give him a sweat and painful lesson! What kind of a fucking grand architect he is?" And, with these thoughts, she soared to the heaven and all people finally took a long breath. This way one wise man, sitting calmly in a lotus posture, saved for good the whole world.
So, the sausage is flying to the heaven and suddenly she meets a flying sausage just like her - but skyscraper-sized and so hard nobody would be able to bite it thru. The sausage tells her: "Hi, sausage! Where are you flying?" She answers: "I am not a sausage. I am a ballistic missile and I'm flying to the crappy town of Shanghai to spare no one of measly local people and to motherfucking fubar their stinky tenements at the roots." The sausage tells: "How silly of you, sis. I was this stupid myself until an enlightenment befell me." The missile asks: "Well, and what kind of enlightenment it was?" The sausage tells: "Behold! The people are not guilty. The God created them such a douchebags so they can't behave better because otherwise they'll just die. When I was younger, I also fucked them - one at a time, everybody I can catch - and now I understood that individual terrorism can't change the world. So, I decided to get to the God himself and cruelly fuck this biatch for everything he created down here."
The missile tells: "Wow, cool! Let's fly, sister, to him together: you'll violently fuck this skunk then I'll fubar him to four hundred eighteen pieces to destroy him at the roots!"
So, they flied to the very heaven. And the heaven is such a maze - like an Internet without a browser. They are flying and flying there but still can't find the God. It's not because he's not there - he's just hidden so smartly, so one can search him for a long while, especially with such stupid obsessions. Wise people say that after a thousand years they'll become so fucking frustrated that they'll return back to the Earth. But, frankly speaking, why the fuck should we care what gonna happen in a thousand years? In a thousand years we all gonna be in totally different place and in totally different condition, so all those sausage and missile schemes will look a baby-talk to us comparing with what we will face."
Original Russian text: (c) HighDuke
English translation: (c) juzy